When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
You Might Also Like
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
⛄️
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up