Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?