Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

[eulogy]

line?

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.