Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
dream blunt rotation
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Shortcut
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.