Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl