Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?