I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
You Might Also Like
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
😅🤣😂
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.