Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”