Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

when revenge coincides with naptime

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

monday

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Probably my best painting.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.