Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

👍

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you