Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
🙋♀️
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.