Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”