wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
How does someone manage that 🤨
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’ve been learning to cook.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.