Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.