Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis