Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.