I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.