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Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Covid like
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.