Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?