My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half