Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.