Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

This meeting could have been a cake

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said