Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th