Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

💀

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.