Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”