Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense