“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: