“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
linkedin the good parts
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum