Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.