everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
ME (calling my horse with no name):
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.