Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Somebody call the cops.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.