Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You Might Also Like
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Why you watching this shit?”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.