Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Netflix: We have Less

is nasa ok

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am