4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes