Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Bear knowledge