Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?