I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
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always be there
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
#ParentingFacts
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The news in a nutshell.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks