Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Cucumbers Anonymous

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.