My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
OKAY DAD
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
they really wanted me dead for this
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there