My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower