Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.