Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
What’s a Messi?