Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

こいつ天才

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men