Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

#SaturdayBears

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page