Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
You Might Also Like
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I Can’t Tonight…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.