Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yikes

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?