Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.