Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

he looks great for his age

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.