i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m too immature for adultery.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Weirdos gonna weird.