i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.