Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I need a headline like this

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”