Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.