Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PER MY LAST EMAIL

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???